It is such a day again during lockdown that there’s room for a laugh. Mick Boskamp makes an attempt. With a true story about a DJ, who became the victim of a devilish practical joke.
I once told him: "Are you sure that DJ in your case stands for Disc Jockey and not for Don Juan?"
Recently I came up with a joke. I have a friend and fellow countryman who is a DJ. Now I have several friends and fellow countrymen who are DJs, one more laborious than the other, but this DJ is - how can I put this friendly - a special one. I think this is also mutual, not long ago he said to me: “I like you so much that when you’re old in a few years, I’m going to visit you in a nursing home’. ‘May I wipe a tear from my face?’I told him. 'You make me feel reborn again!"
Let’s not beat around the bush. This DJ has a tiring quality: he loves to brag about his conquests. I once said to him: ”Are you sure that DJ in your case stands for Disc Jockey and not for Don Juan?" Those other DJs rarely or never talk about that. Most of those guys also have a girlfriend they've been loyal to for years. When I think of our Dutch DJs, I see a different kind of breed than what most outsiders envision. Forget the glamour, forget the models, forget the Crystal champagne. When I think of the Dutch DJ scene, I see a scene from Hollands Glory in front of me. I see Dutch fishermen on the brink of sailing off while their wives are shouting from the quay that they must come back unscathed and alive, otherwise there’ll be hell to pay. But this DJ is a different story. A story like a novel by Bret Easton Ellis. I’ve been around, to say the least. Remember that I worked for Playboy for 21 years? But I'm wet behind the ears compared to the straits of this gentleman. It was time for a wake up call.
And one day I knew what I had to do.
This was about to get funny
That day I sat down at my laptop, opened my web browser, typed in hotmail.com and created the following account: firstname.lastname@example.org. The name immediately came to mind. Jessica Hetema (heet means hot in Dutch). That had to be one for me! My fingers danced on the keyboard when I wrote:
I saw that I could make a date with you during the Amsterdam Dance Event. I know you mean something completely different by that, but I still take the opportunity to express the hope that I may touch you, kiss you, etcetera (trust me: you will never forget that etcetera!). Maybe you need some relaxation! I'm the best at that, believe me. Probably because I love to give ...
As a subject I put "I want you!!!" (with three exclamation marks) above the email and clicked "send". The die was cast. There was no turning back.
That same afternoon I got the DJ on the phone. He started excitedly: “I have to tell sou something!" And then he told me what I already knew. He asked if he should respond. "Don't do that for once," I said. “Let's keep the focus on the stuff that really matters, shall we?” A little later I got the email from Jessica forwarded by the DJ to my own email address. This was about to get funny.
See you soon, he wrote
Jessica Hetema did not receive a reply the following days. I actually found that very moving. So he really listened to me. To get the ball rolling, I had to take action, so I called the DJ. I got his voice mail and spoke: ”You're an asshole. Call me back." Five minutes later he called. "What have I done?" he asked innocently. I started to laugh. “You're an asshole, because I envy you. Big time!,” I said. "Don't you know the Hetema's? The most beautiful twin sisters in Amsterdam?” Because I didn’t want to answer questions, I ended the phone call with: ‘Sorry, I have to go. I have a meeting with the most beautiful woman on the planet. My mother.” When I hung up, he was still screaming ‘No! No! No!’
That evening, after sunset, behind my MacBook I turned into the woman of everyone's dreams. Jessica wrote:
I don't really know how to start. Since yesterday I hope you haven't received my email. Still no response from you, so I hope it didn't arrive. And if you find it, please delete it without reading. I emailed you weird things. My sister and I had been walking around for weeks, wanting to mail you. A sick game of who dares first. Yesterday we were challenging each other so much that I finally did it. But I immediately felt ashamed. That's not the way to introduce yourself, is it? We will come to the party where you play. Hope to see you. Not. Jessica.
An hour later, I had a message in Jessica's mailbox:
Finally an email from me ... (chuckle)
I really laughed at your first email, and I thought it was daring!
Very nice to hear that you are coming to the party. My set is from 01:30 to 03:00. I will be busy, since there is a lot of media attention. Still, I'd like you to say hello.
Do you really regret it? I mean what you’ve written in the previous email? I should have emailed you back though.
See you soon
Jessica could have stopped here. But the animal in me wanted to play a little while with its prey before the kill.
The next morning I looked for a suitable image in my photo files. I found an image of an English DJ's girlfriend, a photo I took during a Bedrock party on the dance floor of Heaven in London. It was impossible to see where the picture was taken and the woman had everything and then some that fascinated my friend.
I attached that photo to the following email:
I am so happy with your email! I hope to see you tomorrow. Here is a photo of my sister Sandra. I can’t find a good one of myself at the moment, but hey, she’s my twin sister, so you can imagine how I look like.
Sleep well and good luck tomorrow !!!!!
About five minutes later, the DJ friend called. He hardly came out of his words.
Or do you have other plans?
Of course, Jessica did not appear at the party. She sent him an email saying that she didn't really like the party, but that she and her sister had enjoyed him from a distance, and the following message rolled into Jessica's mailbox soon after that.
How are you?
The party was so so indeed. Anyways, I am glad that I have been a bright spot for some ;-)
As far as appointments are concerned, It’s still ADE, so we can probably meet somewhere? I'll put you and your sister on some guest lists. Any suggestions? Or do you have other plans? Do you want to have a private DJ set at your home for example ? ;)
After that I let it rest for a couple of days. Gave me room to think. This whole thing could have stretched for a long time, but a voice in my head told me it was enough. I looked up the photo I needed and wrote as Jessica:
I'm sorry you didn't hear from me for a few days, but I was very busy. And besides, I was - frankly - also a bit perplexed by your great offer to come and play with us privately. That will be an after party to remember, I promise you! Oh, yes, I finally found a nice photo of myself.
Then I added the photo. This photo was taken of me a few years ago when I assisted the host of the infamous Dutch Golden Leprechaun Awards. This is a tongue in cheek Dj Awards Show and for this edition I showed up onstage as a transvestite. In the photo I had a microphone in my hands and my mouth was wide open. It was not a pretty picture. I clicked send. Ant that was the end of it. Almost.
After that it was time to read a good book on the couch. People often tell me that I am too nice. I hear comments like: “For the sake of your self esteem you should be a little tougher." I suddenly knew how to accomplish that. By getting in touch with the woman inside of me. After reading a few chapters, I got up to see if the DJ already had mailed me.
Whatever the outcome of his mail would be, I decided to be nice to him for the next couple of days.